If I haven't already made this clear, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that I have no skill at putting myself out there. I am completely and utterly socially inept for this reason. On paper, I am a strong, confident, beautiful young woman. In practice, I'm meek and timid and very, very unsure of myself. I am in my early twenties, trying to carve an image for myself, and I can't even pluck up the courage to ask out a guy that I like, who I am almost certain likes me back. I am so afraid that I'm going to screw up. It's killing me.
And it isn't as if I have a reason to believe I won't do well. True, most of my high school infatuations were completely and totally unrequited, and it is also true that the only two boys who I ever was intimate with emotionally shredded my heart to bits, but that was their mistake, not mine, and I recovered well, for what it's worth. What is also true is that, since I've turned twenty, I've also been turning heads. I blossomed when I turned twenty. I grew out of my awkward clothes, my glasses, my nerdy hobbies (D&D should definitely be left to pubescent adolescents), and my inability to talk to people. For God's sake, I work retail. I practically had to force myself to put on a huge smile and be obscenely outgoing to connect with my customers. I used to be such a shut-in tomboy, until I got my pixie cut, and then I couldn't pull off looking like a boy anymore. Let's just face it, if I hadn't started trying to look nice, I'd have looked like I was batting for the other team, and while it works for some people, it's not exactly a look I'd like to have. So I started wearing dresses and skirts and mascara, and all of a sudden, people started noticing me. I was beautiful. I was darling. This period in time is what I silently refer to as my coming out: coming out of my small girlish shell and becoming a full-fledged woman.
But full-fledged women, in my opinion, should not let themselves be limited like I limit myself. I preach courage, faith in one's self, but I am so doubtful on how to make my way boldly. It's times like these when I feel I should be able to channel Marilyn Monroe. All of you might think, nah, not that dumb floozy from the fifties. But actually, the lady was fairly bright and despite the fact that she was always cast as the dumb blonde, she was smart enough to catch playwright Arthur Miller, who wrote plays like Death of a Traveling Salesman. Needless to say, she was a tad unstable, but she was sharp as a tack. One of her most memorable quotes is "A wise girl knows her limits. A smart girl knows that she has none." I'm not sure where I saw this quote, but it is a source of inspiration for me, daring me to be more.
Yet there's always this stigma that women have to let the men lead the chase, that people have to be pushy in order to get what they want, blah blah blah - for some reason, there has to be a set way of doing everything, and if you fall out of line, there's always someone there telling you you are doing things wrong. Emily Dickinson was an asocial shut-in, never wandered out of her house past the age of twenty, but now she's hailed as a genius, both in literature and philosophy.
But, as it stands, I have not tried the normal ways of doing things, thinking I am better, believing myself to be above these mentalities and expectations. Who knows? Maybe it's time I walked the more usual path...and that's where the scientist in me starts kicking in. Oh dear. Let's hope I figure this out sooner than later...
In all seriousness, I am who I am. I cannot be the girl who is manipulative and passive aggressive. My tolerance for immaturity is appallingly low. And I find no desire ever to lie to the people in my life. I could possibly pretend I am not this person, and turn things around, but then I am no longer Ellie. I am some chick who looks like her who is just like everyone else. Perhaps there is doubt there for a reason. Perhaps it is my instinct. But I would just like to say that I don't want to change for the benefit of someone else. So why let the status quo and the social politesse rule me? Someday, I will find the courage to let myself go, to let my hair down and free my inhibitions. For now, it is only a matter of being who I am and accepting that not everyone is going to accept me. For the people who do, they will be cherished in my life for a long time to come. For those who don't, well, they were never really worth my time anyways. And as for myself...well, I'm just going to enjoy the coming spring sunshine...and maybe channel some Norma Jean while I'm at it.
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