The end of the school year is finally here, and what do I have to show for it? My car is - or soon will be - full to bursting, my bank account is starving for some funds, and all I want is to go home, breathe deep the brine of Puget Sound, and unwind in every humanly possible way. There is also the part where I totally would love to reunite with a few people, but that is a natural given.
Don't get me wrong. Bozeman is great. But lately, all I want is to get out of here and be with the people who have loved me for all this time. Because that is the great thing about real friends. You can stop talking for months at a time, and all of a sudden, they call you up and it is like only an hour has passed by.
And the thing about friends is that nothing is ever forced, something that not a lot of people get. So when I applied to be an RA, and let me preface this by saying I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this job in the first place, I wasn't really thinking I would have to force anything. Everyone kept telling me to be myself and that I would get the job for sure.
RA camp comes around when we all interact with one another, strangers though we might be, and the underlying expectation is that we make nice. Recall my INFJ article? I stands for Introvert - and one characteristic of introverts is that small talk is highly frowned upon, avoided, tolerated at best. When we had free time, and the expectation was to mingle, I sat and listened to the people around me. I had nothing meaningful to contribute to the conversation, so I left it alone. I didn't feel the need to interject.
The letters come a week later, informing us if we've been hired or not. I ran to my room, hoping I'd been pooled - meaning that they liked me, but they didn't have a place for me. I open the envelope, and there it is: they didn't want me period.
The reason this frustrates me so is because they stress so definitely how they don't want a set personality on staff, but as I continue to hear from other people their outcomes, a pattern emerges. Everyone who forces it, everyone who is willing to blindly do as they are told, they are the ones who get the job. I ask questions, I listen and wait for somewhere to enter a conversation in a meaningful way, and I don't blindly follow. I am not right for the job simply because I am not a blathering fool who can't self-motivate.
Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. But the major thing, I think, is that I did not want to go through this arduous process in the first place, and was pushed into it anyway, only to be met with a "you aren't good enough". For one so prideful as I am, it stings. It burns to hear this. And all for something I had no desire to be a part of in the first place. There was no reward and no lesson other than "don't strive for things you don't want".
So I am going to go home this Saturday and I will remain in Washington for another three months to cool off and come back fresh and renewed, and hopefully those who told me I wasn't good enough enjoy their fools, for that is what they have gotten. I wash my hands of it all.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Sexuality and My Withering Patience
In a different and new way to attempt to understand human emotion, I have started watching "Sexplanations" on YouTube by Dr. Lindsay Doe of U. of Montana (OMG, Grizzlies = bad!).
"Oh my God, you really need to watch that?" Yes, I do.
"Seriously, what a creeper." Not really...sex is a natural thing after all.
"Are you sheltered?"
Yes, in fact, I am. You see, we live in a society that makes sexuality something very taboo - we don't talk about it, we make a mockery of it, and we refuse to teach our kids about it because that "invites sin". I really don't want to go on this rant because I get really frustrated and angry about how religion dictates how we go about our politics. Don't get me wrong, I am very religious - I just think there is a time and a place to be religious as there is a time and a place to be rational, just like there is a time and a place for emotion and a time and place for level heads. When it comes to preparing my future children for STDs, pregnancy, and broken hearts, I prefer to be rational, not religious. No sacrificial wine or crucifixes over my daughter's bed will prevent nature from taking course - a.k.a., if you feel like playing a game of chance, the sperm will eventually find its way to the egg, a curious boy will fall into the arms of a herpes-ridden hippie and wake up infected as well, and a girl desperate to prove herself to her boyfriend will find herself feeling cheap because she gave her virginity to him before she was emotionally ready, simply because he demanded it, because he felt she owed it to him.
But, no. It is too much. It is too much to teach our children the hard facts of life. We need to keep our secrets and face the consequences we could have avoided had we pulled our heads our of our asses. I was raised in a town where abstinence-only was demanded by the parents who thought it was inappropriate to be showing children what sex is, how to do it properly, and how to prevent both physical and emotional harm, as well as unplanned pregnancy.
But I told you I wasn't going to rant - or, at least, that I don't want to. This is about - and I say this risking sounding self-absorbed - about my emotional journey. I watched little videos about how the clitoris works and how the penis works and how attraction starts. I found out what style of love I generally adhere to (it is Storge, if you want to know, which is familial love, as opposed to Agape, selfless love, or Mania, the passionate love, and a few others.) I learned that consent is important, that fear of consequences is in no way a replacement for consent, and that consent comes in many more forms than the literal word, "yes" (though you should ALWAYS ask when you are first starting your relationship, or establish boundaries before entering scenarios when you will be impaired, i.e., as opposed to getting drunk and having sex, PLAN on getting drunk and then having sex before alcoholic consumption begins.) I learned that flirtation really is about reading the situation and the present body language, that maybe my doubts about the distances between me and the people I love really are the only thing hindering the progression of those relationships.
Dr. Doe gave me a more clear view of how I should view the sexual human experience. It isn't something to be ashamed of. It isn't something that we need to hide - it is one of our most natural functions and has so many more benefits than it has risks. And maybe that is the same with my emotions: maybe all these natural defenses might not be so productive, and maybe I need to get my head out of my ass and get out there. I must sound like a broken record, but I am hoping that talking about it, writing about it, helps in the long run.
One of these days, I will get around to writing you all a poem. That's the secondary reason for this blog anyways, isn't it? Right now, though, I have my book and school and I haven't been sleeping. Lots of stuff on my mind. In four weeks, you'll likely hear more from me. This semester cannot be done soon enough.
Oh my...
"Oh my God, you really need to watch that?" Yes, I do.
"Seriously, what a creeper." Not really...sex is a natural thing after all.
"Are you sheltered?"
Yes, in fact, I am. You see, we live in a society that makes sexuality something very taboo - we don't talk about it, we make a mockery of it, and we refuse to teach our kids about it because that "invites sin". I really don't want to go on this rant because I get really frustrated and angry about how religion dictates how we go about our politics. Don't get me wrong, I am very religious - I just think there is a time and a place to be religious as there is a time and a place to be rational, just like there is a time and a place for emotion and a time and place for level heads. When it comes to preparing my future children for STDs, pregnancy, and broken hearts, I prefer to be rational, not religious. No sacrificial wine or crucifixes over my daughter's bed will prevent nature from taking course - a.k.a., if you feel like playing a game of chance, the sperm will eventually find its way to the egg, a curious boy will fall into the arms of a herpes-ridden hippie and wake up infected as well, and a girl desperate to prove herself to her boyfriend will find herself feeling cheap because she gave her virginity to him before she was emotionally ready, simply because he demanded it, because he felt she owed it to him.
But, no. It is too much. It is too much to teach our children the hard facts of life. We need to keep our secrets and face the consequences we could have avoided had we pulled our heads our of our asses. I was raised in a town where abstinence-only was demanded by the parents who thought it was inappropriate to be showing children what sex is, how to do it properly, and how to prevent both physical and emotional harm, as well as unplanned pregnancy.
But I told you I wasn't going to rant - or, at least, that I don't want to. This is about - and I say this risking sounding self-absorbed - about my emotional journey. I watched little videos about how the clitoris works and how the penis works and how attraction starts. I found out what style of love I generally adhere to (it is Storge, if you want to know, which is familial love, as opposed to Agape, selfless love, or Mania, the passionate love, and a few others.) I learned that consent is important, that fear of consequences is in no way a replacement for consent, and that consent comes in many more forms than the literal word, "yes" (though you should ALWAYS ask when you are first starting your relationship, or establish boundaries before entering scenarios when you will be impaired, i.e., as opposed to getting drunk and having sex, PLAN on getting drunk and then having sex before alcoholic consumption begins.) I learned that flirtation really is about reading the situation and the present body language, that maybe my doubts about the distances between me and the people I love really are the only thing hindering the progression of those relationships.
Dr. Doe gave me a more clear view of how I should view the sexual human experience. It isn't something to be ashamed of. It isn't something that we need to hide - it is one of our most natural functions and has so many more benefits than it has risks. And maybe that is the same with my emotions: maybe all these natural defenses might not be so productive, and maybe I need to get my head out of my ass and get out there. I must sound like a broken record, but I am hoping that talking about it, writing about it, helps in the long run.
One of these days, I will get around to writing you all a poem. That's the secondary reason for this blog anyways, isn't it? Right now, though, I have my book and school and I haven't been sleeping. Lots of stuff on my mind. In four weeks, you'll likely hear more from me. This semester cannot be done soon enough.
Oh my...
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